{dwell swell}

dreams diary.

2011-09-14T12:40:00.001-04:00

last night at bink's, my part time job at an outdoor gear retail store, we had a guy call in frantically asking if we sell warm jackets and how late we are open. he was leaving tomorrow for an alaskan cruise and had just realized he had nothing warm to wear. he and his girlfriend showed up a bit later and dropped over $500 on outdoorsy goodies - must be nice!

and so, I think that's what inspired my dream last night.

about 95% of the time when I remember dreams, they are about hotels. traveling. retreat centers. camps. motels. staying with a group of people in a random place.

so last night I was in alaska on a trip with the usual suspects. a random groups of friends from life, work, church. old friends, new friends, and family.

there are a few people who stick out to me - because my mind and my heart are particularly interested in how that relationship will play out.

when I woke up I remembered a lot of details about it, but as far as I can remember now... I was in alaska last night, and it was cold.

2011-08-17T17:13:00.001-04:00

dreams diary.

2011-08-13T20:04:00.001-04:00

I just had another dream about you. I've been dreaming about you a lot since we got back...

the other night; that dream was so odd. we were in africa, and we drove up to an old gym. and it was sort of enclosed, but sort of open-air. and we rolled out old tumbling mats, like in elementary school gym. and we placed large buffers to the sides of them. and we were expected to do a show, I think. and then a huge dust storm came through, and dust was flying all around us. and you were wearing a bandana across your forehead, and rachael asked you for it to cover her mouth. and you made her trade her passport for it. and then I think we were going to perform a bluegrass show on the mats. and that's all I can remember.

and today, I dreamed about you during my lazy saturday afternoon nap. with storm clouds hovering outside, I threw on a hoodie and snuggled into bed.

today, you were an artist. and you had a small gallery displaying your art that was located on the grounds of a pioneer campground where tourists came to see how life used to be lived. your gallery was a wooden hut, like a cabin, and there was a man and woman working it. I came to see your art, and they showed me everything and explained it all to me. I asked a few questions and they said that the artist was in town and they would call him to see if he could come meet me the next day to explain it in person. and I was nervous to see you. your art was a mix of things from my memory. it was birds and other animals, and done sort of in a style like the african disease awareness paintings I saw for sale on the streets in zanzibar. I just remember thinking I was proud of you for becoming an artist, and I was not surprised but felt that it seemed right. and at the end of the dream I walked outside to the back of the hut. while out there, I remember a man on the front porch of a nearby cabin, dressed in pioneer clothing, doing some sort of call for the guests - like, to dinner, or the start of a tour, or something like that. the woman working there brought out a remote control spinning and flying toy. and she told me to hold it, and she would tell me when to release it and it would fly. and I did and I remember it spinning in around and flashing lights really close to my face, and it frightened me. spinning and spinning and spinning. and then it ended.

not a trace.

2011-06-28T14:18:00.001-04:00

not trace of water when I thirst for you
only darkness when I burn for the sun
all I hear is silence when I ask for song
always fade away when I try to be the only one

I surrender
and I lay down my needs
I surrender
these desires I speak
I surrender
and I open my heart to what will be

not a trace of fair when my bones broke
flows like a river when my hands let go
not an ounce of comfort when I'm holding tight
wrapped in a warm wind when I finally realize
its only there if...

I surrender
and I lay down my needs
I surrender
these desires I speak
I surrender
and I open my heart to what will be
to what you see

{lisbeth scott}

2011-06-24T17:54:00.000-04:00

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake in the middle of the night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."-from The Once and Future King by T.H. White

elizabethtown.

2011-06-16T15:25:00.001-04:00

I'm having a renewed love affair with all things elizabethtown these days. watched the movie again. listening to the soundtrack all day (ryan adams love fest). it's a top 5 movie for sure. agree?

Drew Baylor: You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this. [kisses Claire]

lately.

2011-06-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

I've not been blogging a lot lately. there are many things on my mind, but things that I wanted to step back from the keyboard and work out in my head and heart, and not in written words.

in the quiet and rest, God is speaking.

I've found in my life, and many know this to be true, that when we are hurting and broken is when we cling to God more. I feel like sometimes God keeps me in permanent state of brokenness just so I'll choose to hang around Him more. I hate that, but also understand it at the same time. He wants me to choose Him first, always. and I rarely do.

it's hard for me though... usually just when I am feeling up, happy, fulfilled, on the right path - He sends things crashing down around me to remind me that I have no control over a single moment, a single breath.

but He is good. He remains faithful to restore my spirit and strength.

over the past few weeks I have been dealing with shattered hopes. (well honestly, over the past few years, I have been dealing with that, off and on.)

you know the feeling, like chicken little, when the sky is falling all around you. everything you once thought was up, is coming down.

so, me and God have been having lots and lots of long conversations. late at night, early in the morning, throughout the day, climbing hills, running trails, cleaning my home, driving through the mountains. days full of conversations.

and He has been speaking. and I want to share with you what He said.

don't get me wrong. He doesn't "talk" to me that often. it usually takes me a long time to discern His ways and His plans. usually multiple people have to tell me, and show me. usually I don't believe them still. and then God usually has to take some drastic action to show me what's up.

usually.

this time though, I can feel His voice, peaceful in my heart.

He's saying that He has this under control.
there is nothing that happened, is happening, or will happen that He did not plan for.
He is in the midst of it all.
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
and the timeline of it all (one of my biggest grievances)... more than anything, He has planned the timeline.
He has ordered the steps.

he is comforting my heart. telling me not to worry. not to be anxious. He has this.

and when I forget (read: everyday), He reminds me again.

tanzania.

2011-06-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

one month from today I am leaving for tanzania!

I'm so excited to travel, since it's been about 8 months since I've been out of the country. I'm getting antsy for an adventure.

so privileged to be going with world vision. I was invited as part of my work as a ministry partner with them. we're going to see child sponsorship projects, and lots of other programs that world vision oversees in tanzania.

I can't wait to get my arms around some little darlings.

running.

2011-06-11T23:01:00.001-04:00

i run
from pain
i run from prejudice
i run from pessimists
but i run to late
i run my life
or is it running me
run from my past
i run too fast
or too slow it seems

when lies become the truth
that's when i run to you

this world keeps spinning faster
to a new disaster
so i run to you
i run to you
when it all starts coming undone
you're the only one i run to

{lady antebellum}

pin this.

2011-06-08T17:46:00.001-04:00

in other news... I am recently addicted to pinterest.

it's like twitter, but just for images.

I can visit the world, decorate homes, be inspired by great words, and dress myself 1,000 times a day.

check me here.

cabin session.

2011-06-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

a kozee family bluegrass jam session.
june 5, 2011.
high five cabin near mineral bluff, georgia.
mike kozee - banjo
mark kozee - guitar
tani loyd - vocals

2011-05-28T22:31:00.002-04:00

I got a summer haircut. and I love it.

tiny me.

2011-05-24T16:58:00.002-04:00

2011-05-24T16:57:00.001-04:00

something you should know.

2011-05-24T16:56:00.001-04:00

love it will not betray you
dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
be more like the man you were made to be

{sigh no more by mumford and sons}

my own way.

2011-05-23T17:18:00.000-04:00

"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."

{james 4.1-10, the message}

the story.

2011-05-18T22:42:00.000-04:00

damn. good. song.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...
I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do...
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...
I was made for you

{the story by brandi carlisle}

truth.

2011-05-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

his ways.

2011-05-17T12:36:00.002-04:00

oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God.
how unfathomable (inscrutable, unsearchable) are His judgments.
how untraceable (mysterious, undiscoverable) are His ways.
romans 11.33

percy.

2011-05-16T18:31:00.000-04:00

percy warner park in nashville. love. I spend a significant amount of my free time here...

passport.

2011-05-16T18:30:00.000-04:00

send me to africa. I'm ready now.

a b c.

2011-05-16T18:24:00.002-04:00

I just got this alphabet print from ikea for my new house. I can't wait to put it up. it makes me happy just to look at.

my love follows.

2011-05-16T18:05:00.001-04:00

More wishes than a thousand hearts can count for you
More smiles than a merry-go-round
The sweetest ending to a bed-time story told
My love follows you where you go

More laughter than a kindergarten out to play
One Sunday morning song that says it all
More summer than a California beach can hold
My love follows you where you go

Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow

Take forgiveness - take a prayer - take the deepest breath
Take the answers in your heart
When you wake up and the world is cruel and cold
My love follows you where you go

{alison krauss}

dang I love this song. it is lovely bluegrass perfection.

fleet foxes.

2011-05-16T13:16:00.003-04:00

I want to be besties with them.

whys.

2011-05-15T20:18:00.000-04:00

"I lay my 'whys?' before Your cross in worship kneeling, my mind beyond all hope, my heart beyond all feeling; and worshiping, realize that I, in knowing You, don't need a 'why?'"
{Ruth Bell Graham}

"We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."
{Romans 8:28}

tide.

2011-05-14T20:52:00.001-04:00

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, 'til it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." {Harriet Beecher Stowe}

the countdown is on.

2011-05-14T19:02:00.002-04:00

it's one more week until I turn 30. and I promise this will be the very last post about it.

promise. (ahem, paul and joren.)

the real countdown is ON. you know, the one where every night I go to sleep and say to myself "this is the last wednesday of my 20s" etc.

a few weeks ago, a girl I had just met asked me "wow, so, you're 30th birthday is coming up. is there anything you thought you would have by now that you don't have?"

my immediate reaction was to call her out on such a rude way of asking around her real question - did you think you might be married with kids like most people are?

no one ever asks me this. ever.

people by now, I think, know what a soul-crushing thing it is to ask a person that. especially a woman, at age 30. single. no kids.

but she did. and I was pleasant to her. I hope... I think I said something like "umm, well, gosh that's a hard question to ask."

"I don't like to plan. nothing ever turns out like I plan."

and I'm not just saying that...

I've never had big dreams or visions for a wedding. could not tell you what colors I would have or what song we would dance to. I've never even been sure I want kids. those things, I think, if they happen, will just fall into place.

I can never answer the questions - where would you want to live? a new house or a cool renovated one? do you prefer to vacation at the sea or mountains? what would your dream job be?

is that strange?

I don't know... planning like that is just not my thing.

I'm better at things I know are going to happen. flight booked to france - great. hotels, directions, language books, check, check, check. that's my type of planning.

so the answer to her question - is there something you thought you would have but don't?

no. everything has been a surprise.

and I am hoping and praying for many more years of good surprises to come.

so if you have any words of wisdom for me and a huge number of my friends who all turn 30 this year - please share. I'll take your words to heart this week as I countdown the last days...

and speaking of "last days", have you all heard that jesus may be coming back on may 21. I'm ready for it whenevs, but that could be really ideal timing...

love, age 7.

2011-05-14T18:20:00.003-04:00

when I was in second grade I had a crush on a boy named t.j roebuck.

he sat next to me in miss adair's class. this was the year that my class met in a trailer just to the side of the school property. I can still remember bounding down the steps to class. walking with my friend brandy.

my mom will still tell you that she didn't like that they put such young kids out there - should have been the older ones.

anyway, the trailer has nothing to do with this story. except that it is the scene of the event.

the event was valentine's day. we all brought valentines to give to everyone in the class. no one got left out. I don't really remember, but knowing myself, I am sure that I labored over which card from the set to give to t.j. I wish I could remember what theme the set was... care bears maybe? barbie? unicorns more likely. I loved unicorns.

I was wearing my favorite light pink dress. brandy had a matching lavender one.

I was sitting next to t.j. on the day of our party and we were having special snacks and passing out valentines.

I remember that t.j and I were being silly and putting the cups over our mouths and lips and sucking in the air. you know, like creating a suction to stick the cup to our face.

mine was affixed firmly in the very moment that t.j. popped the bottom of the cup so hard it busted my lip open.

blood. tears.

I couldn't fathom how quickly the scene had turned. one moment, giddy with excitement over shared valentines, fun and games with boy I liked. 7 year old love.

and now pain. and t.j. laughing. realizing he didn't like me back. without him having to say it. no one would be able to inflict such pain on someone they care for.

its a terrible thing for a little girl to realize that someone she cares for doesn't like her back.

age 7, 30, or 70, the lesson remains the same: don't be reckless with a person's heart.

nada.

2011-05-11T23:10:00.000-04:00

whenever I travel to spanish speaking countries, and am going through customs at the airport, this sign always catches my attention. I don't know why, but something about it speaks to me. "nada que declarar" - nothing to declare. literally, it means I'm not bringing anything into the country that should be taxed. but that's kind of how I always feel in life. nothing to declare. I'm fine. I'll be fine.

tangled.

2011-05-09T17:30:00.001-04:00

a few weeks ago, on a lazy, rainy friday in the office, we shut the doors, blacked out the windows, and decked ourselves out in high-tech 3D glasses. we all brought in our lunches and spent the lunch hour watching "tangled" on our 3D screen in the conference room. just another typical animation company geek lunch...

that was the first time I had seen "tangled" - but I had been wanting to for a while.

it is the quintessential disney story. a retelling of the classic tale of rapunzel.

a little girl, who is actually a princess (of course), is stolen away as a baby by the evil witch, who discovers that her hair has magical powers to heal, as well as restore and maintain youth. so the girl grows up, far away from the kingdom, alone in a tall tower, only visited by the witch who claims to be her loving mother. every year on her birthday, rapunzel sees tiny lights, far away, glowing and floating into the sky. when a runaway palace criminal finds his way into her tower, her life is changed forever. she finally musters the courage to leave the tower, to seek the lights - to live the life she has dreamed of.

one of my co-workers pointed this out - and I love the metaphors throughout the movie about how the witch tries to persuade and coerce her into believing lies about herself so that she would never want to leave. much like satan whispers to us in our weakest, innermost thoughts, convincing us to believe we are not good enough to be given the things we dream of.

this story, and the hundreds like it before, is one of the very reasons why little girls start believing from a very young age that their life is not complete until their prince comes. it's not until the boy arrives on the scene that rapunzel gains the courage to truly live her life. with someone by her side, its easier to take the risks, easier to face the challenges.

I don't think this is untrue. I just know its not true for everyone. where does that leave the little girls who grow up waiting and hoping, and their prince never comes? not all stories end in such a lovely way.

toward the end of the movie, the witch pulls one final trick. she forces the boy to leave in order to save rapunzel's life. but rapunzel doesn't know that. she thinks he left her. she thinks he walked away when it got hard.

but, we know how this story ends... it's a fairy tale, after all. he comes back for her.

this little girl has never had anyone come back who walked away.

my heart is tangled once again.

there are three things I can identify with rapunzel.

one - this world is like a tall tower in a hidden meadow. while filled with endless distractions, its ultimately lonely.

two - like her, I am a chaser of mysterious bright lights in the sky. I'm restless when settled, and always dreaming of an adventure.

and three - we are both daughters of the king. and one day, I'll be restored to the palace to live with Him forever. and I trust that the hurt and tears felt in my lonely tower will be forgotten in light of the joy of finally being with Him.

no four - I, too, have magical long blond hair. don't tell anyone.

this is my prayer for all the hurting little girls in the world. that they would know there is restoration and redemption in jesus. and it may not be on this side of heaven that we are complete. we have to wait until the very end of the story for the good stuff to happen. and that will be the best story ever dreamed of.

in the meantime, in order to fully live, I'm going to have to stop intently staring out the window for a man who is not coming, or not coming back. in true fairy tale fashion, if he does come, surely it must be by surprise.

maybe on a magic carpet busting through the roof?

dreamy house.

2011-04-15T11:26:00.003-04:00

find it here.

take heart.

2011-04-15T11:19:00.000-04:00

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

{take heart by hillsong united}

I like you, and I want you to like me.

2011-04-14T16:50:00.001-04:00

"I don’t know where my heart learned to translate it’s sentiments into such false sophistication..."

maybe its a curse reserved especially for writers?

those of us who have words swarming in our heads night and day - wanting to be written but waiting for the moment of clarity when words turns into thoughts and those thoughts turn into a cohesive phrase or sentence to say that makes some sense and has some life application.

the curse is that we have too much to say, and so we simmer and fester on those words.

we twist them and wring them and spin them 'round in our heads and mouths until they look entirely different from what the original thought was.

and when they come out, they cease to communicate the sentiment properly.

I am an introvert. an introspective analyzer. I think {too much} before I speak.

I choose my phrasing carefully so as to not give away too much of myself. so my opinion does not appear too strong, my thoughts too "black and white", to maintain the image of mystery and understanding.

and I don't know where I learned this. it's always been part of me.

when I read this blog post by don miller and especially his quote at the top of this post - I felt kinship. the exchange he is writing about sounds exciting and refreshing.

*

read the post here: http://donmilleris.com/2011/04/08/the-heart-knows-the-truth/

*

to say exactly what we mean!

what freedom in honesty!

to let the floodgates open, and keep them open.

to say "I like you, and I want you to like me"

instead of "are you free for drinks, maybe we could hang out, if you have time, and are not busy, and have nothing better to do, and you like drinking, and you would like to consider drinking with me. or maybe even dinner. I mean, we have to eat, right? we could think about eating together. in the same proximity, and talk. as long as that's not too much of a commitment for you..."

Lord, please break wide open this mouth of mine that yearns to speak honest words, but is too scared of what the reaction may be.

patterns.

2011-04-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

love this email I just got from west elm about their new line of patterned textiles!

which is your favorite?

I love the yellow stripes on the top row and the blue circles on the bottom row.

to love is to be vulnerable.

2011-04-11T10:09:00.001-04:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protected lovelessness...

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they shall break, so be it."

{c.s. lewis - the four loves}

I wish I could sit for a bit with ol' clive staples, tell him my about my life and ask him to help me make sense of it all.

top 10 tuesday > I'm not who I was

2011-04-05T15:42:00.004-04:00

maybe it's 30 creeping up on me {ahem, you all know by now my 30th birthday is coming up soon, right}. or maybe its these darn allergies that are bringing me down. or maybe it was the visit from an old friend who just simply knows me, for good and bad. or maybe its been a hard week at work... I don't know what it is, but I am having an identity crisis this week.

that's right, an identity crisis.

the thing is, I'm not who I was.

10 months ago, my life was so different. and while these changes, this new life, had been prayed for and cried over and sought after for so very long, its hard to let go of pieces of me. things that defined who I was and made me feel important. like, being a boss, traveling the world, living out of a suitcase, expensing things, being listened to in meetings, having a respected opinion about things.

see, all those are of the world. they are things that the world defines as success. they're things that people see and want to have.

and I miss having those things to define me sometimes. occasionally I get the urge to say "duh, do you not know who I am and what I have done!" it's so, so silly. but when your identity is threatened, the natural urge is to protect it.

I think a lot {probably too much} about who I am becoming now, and want it to be good, and better than before, and new. but it's hard work becoming a new person. old habits are hard to break. it's difficult to see yourself in a new light, and define your success by the right things. I'm working on it, and so, self-affirming posts like this are sometimes needed - to help me keep things in perspective and take time to revel in what God is doing in my life.

top 10 ways I am not who I was >

this is who I am now. of these things I can be certain.

1. I love living in nashville, and know this is exactly where God called me to be, and allows me to be.

2. I get great joy from serving other people, in big in small ways, through time, money, and gifts.

3. I love working at a place that brings people joy and teaches kids about jesus, how to be good, how to act well towards one another, and other biblical and moral values.

4. I am blessed to have friends who care for me, make me laugh, listen to my crazy talk, and simply want to hang out with me at all.

5. I am blessed to have family who are healthy and happy and care for me.

6. I am thankful to have money to spend. while not a lot, its enough to eat and pay my bills and enjoy social activities.

7. I am a beloved daughter of God. and even though I struggle with seeing and feeling his love, often. I trust it.

8. I decorate places pretty well, I think. I have an eye and a passion for it as a hobby.

9. Two things I can't do but have always wanted to: to be able to sing, and to cook well

10. I love: tacos, flea markets and antique shops, buying books I don't read, social media, french music, sunny patios, coffee, guitar being played for me, bluegrass, shopping, brunch, alone time, being in nature, how I feel after working out, traveling, globes, speaking spanish, babies, a good quote, the letter s, pedicures, recycling, indie films, going to museums, blogging, hiking, catching up with old friends, and so much more...

worth keeping.

2011-04-03T20:43:00.002-04:00

this one is speaking to me lately...

say you’re tired

say you’re busy

you can lie to me

should come easy

for you have been doing it for a while

look away when I’m talking

please don’t say what you’re thinking

you have been thinking for a while

take your hands out of your pockets and hold me

turn your eyes 'round in your sockets so you can see

the way that I look at you

and I am just a ray of sun, you are daylight

I'm an early morning, you were goodnight

and a prayer before I go to sleep

when you could be straight ahead, you go sideways

when you're lying in your bed, it’s a long way

from the place that you wanted it to be

grab a hold of anything that's worth keeping

from your house of flames that you should be leaving

or stay and let it burn you down

let it burn you down

{worth keeping by the everybodyfields}

for all the single boys.

2011-03-30T16:16:00.010-04:00

a post about single christian men of a certain age {ahem, late 20’s and 30’s}... just so you know, I’m pulling for you, boys. while this is dead-on true, you’re capable of so much more than this generalization.

{this is a reorganized compilation from this blog and the video posted below from mars hill church.}

“Men are supposed to be producers not consumers. You’re defined by the legacy, and the life and the fruit that comes out of you, not what you take in...

You say "I’m single. I don’t have kids yet." As if responsibility is a bad thing and the longer you can prolog it the more masculine you are. That’s the world. And it’s childish. It’s absolutely childish. And its consumerism. Here’s where you’ve been tricked. They created an age called adolescence and the real glorious demo is young men... The sweet spot’s like 18-34 for the demographics. Because what they do, is that they know that you guys don’t know what it means to be a man, and so they tell you that being is man is defined not by what you produce, but by what you consume... So you buy the junk they sell you...

You’re the glory of God. What does it mean to be a man? John is a great example. He doesn’t waste his teens and his 20s downloading free porn, racking up his credit card debt, spending seven years to knock out his undergrad degree, trying to be the king of the fantasy football or baseball league, determined to pound more beers at happy hour and conquer more women than all the other guys to show he’s a real man.

That’s no man at all. It’s a boy who could shave.

John shows us what a real man is: He’s filled with the Spirit. He humbly prepares the way for Jesus. He’s an evangelist who makes it his life work to introduce others to Jesus. He’s a man who ultimately is a giver and not a taker. He’s a producer, not a consumer.

Men, you are to be creators and cultivators.

If you want to image God, your God is a creator and a cultivator.

You create a marriage and you cultivate that woman.  You create a child with her and you cultivate that child.  You create a new family legacy for generations and you cultivate it.  You create a business and you cultivate it.  You create a ministry and you cultivate it.

You want to be a man?

You’re a creator and a cultivator.  You’re a producer, not a consumer.  You’re a giver, not a taker.  You bring life, not death.

You're not looking for the path of least resistance, you're looking for the path of greatest glory to God."

top 10 tuesday > 10 cheap ways to add good design to your life.

2011-03-29T15:08:00.005-04:00

I love design and decor, and in another life I just might have been an interior designer.

I am also perpetually broke. after paying bills on my own, keeping an active social life, paying off student loans, and traveling the world - my budget leaves little room for adding to the beauty of my home and surroundings, and tickling my taste for good design.

so, I wanted to share 10 easy tips for adding good design to your life without breaking the bank.

1. change your desktop background, facebook profile pic, or top 5 facebook photos on a regular basis to whatever style suits your fancy at the moment. {these are my desktop backgrounds and updated facebook today.}

2. read dwell and architectural digest {the best ones, duh} at the bookstore or peruse them online rather than buy them. become a fan of them on facebook.

3. download instagram for iphone and start snapping artsy pictures. instagram makes even the ordinary look epic cool. {this pic is from my fav local antique store.}

4. buy and interchange throw pillows. for just $10-$20 you can change the look and feel of a room with those little guys.

5. shop amazon. I was looking for striped sheets recently and wanted to buy some from one of my two fav designers - dwellstudio or west elm. instead I found a duvet set on amazon for about a third of the cost. {I ended up buying at ikea for the same cost as on amazon.} the bonus of amazon is selection and searchability.

6. buy a cupcake. all the rage these days, boutique cupcake bakeries make pretty little things that can appease your need for the moment.

7. create a "dream room" blog post or vision board by searching images online. you can change up that decor as much as you want, and it doesn't max out your credit card.

8. buy some earrings at forever 21. generally trendy, dirt cheap, and prolific in style choices. I love this store for helping bring pretty to the masses for a reasonable price tag.

9. move things around your house or office to create a new look. sometimes just by interchanging furniture arrangement, bedding, accessories, and displays you can make your place look fresh and realize you already have great stuff. {this is my mantle decor take 2 or 3 within 10 months.}

10. get outside in nature. the beauty and divine design of nature always helps ground me, knocks the edge off my bent towards materialism, and inspires design concepts and color schemes. {this is the spring sky over franklin, tn a few days ago.}

about 30 - my biggest fear.

2011-03-26T21:55:00.000-04:00

I have a fear that pops up every now and then.

I turn 30 in just a few days less than 2 months. may 22. {ahem}

I'm not really scared to turn 30. I've been telling people this whole year that I am already 30, so that I can get used to the way it sounds coming out of my mouth.

I'm in a happy, stable place. I have a new city. a home I love. friends and community that are like family that make me smile and listen to me go on and on about ridiculous things and check on me.

I have enough money to pay my bills, go out, buy drinks, see movies, and do things I like to do... like randomly buy vintage electric fans at flea markets.

my family is healthy and loves me.

there are a few things I thought I might have by this age. like, things everyone else my age has. like spouses, their own family, houses etc.

but I've also done things none of them have done...

I've visited the chernobyl zone in ukraine and sang songs in a village school.
I've been to every country in central america.
I've had breakfast in france, lunch in monaco, and dinner in italy in one day.
I've watched people doing the tango on the street in buenos aires.
I've eaten guinea pig in an andes mountain village with traditional quechua people in ecuador.
I've hiked mayan ruins and gone snorkeling at the blue hole in belize.
I've stood on the edge and looked down into an active volcano in nicaragua.
I've played soccer with island kids off the coast of honduras.
I've walked ancient dirt paths of rural cambodia that were once littered with land mines.
I've burned a candle inside a 10th century monastery in the distant hills of macedonia.

but still... the stigma of turning 30 is certainly hovering around me a bit. I've been a little more emotional than normal lately. I've been spending more time than usual by myself. I've been working out more because it's the only thing that seems to relieve this underlying stress.

I think my biggest fear about turning 30 is regressing.

what I mean by that is the potentional to regress.

as in, not move forward, but instead move backward.

my 20's were an amazing juxtaposition of joy and pain. I guess all of life is, and it's amazing that any of us make it through. but mostly I feel that I did ok. no, more than ok. I had a great time.

now I'm in a place where I am numbly stable, happy, ok, getting by just fine.

and frankly that's just not good enough for me.

since we all only get just one shot at life on earth, I'd like mine to be better than just ok.

my fear is that from now on, life after 30 won't be as good as life before.

I know that probably sounds crazy to most people who have survived life after 30, but it's just true for me, for now.

I'm going to work hard to make sure my life stays moving forward, and exciting, and fulfilling, and that life is lived.

I met someone by accident, that blew me away.

2011-03-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

warning: post upcoming about my feelings.

this song just so perfectly captures the state of my heart right now.

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And you know I wish that you were here
But that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

{hiding my heart away by brandi carlisle}

mid century modern.

2011-03-24T17:57:00.013-04:00

one of my very favorite design genres is mid century modern.

I love the clean lines, functional simplicity, unique shape, quality and sturdiness of product, and the ease of working the style seamlessly into any design scheme.

if you're not familiar with this style, wikipedia can help.

"Mid-Century modern is an architectural, interior and product design form that generally describes mid-20th century developments in modern design, architecture, and urban development from roughly 1933 to 1965. The term was coined in 1983 by Cara Greenberg for the title of her book, Mid-Century Modern: Furniture of the 1950s (Random House), celebrating the style which is now recognized by scholars and museums worldwide as a significant design movement.

Mid-century architecture was a further development of Frank Lloyd Wright's principles of organic architecture combined with many elements reflected in the International and Bauhaus movements... Mid-century modernism, however, was much more organic in form and less formal than the International Style. Scandinavian architects were very influential at this time, with a style characterized by clean simplicity and integration with nature. Like many of Wright's designs, Mid-Century architecture was frequently employed in residential structures with the goal of bringing modernism into America's post-war suburbs. This style emphasized creating structures with ample windows and open floor-plans with the intention of opening up interior spaces and bringing the outdoors in. Many Mid-century houses utilized then-groundbreaking post and beam architectural design that eliminated bulky support walls in favor of walls seemingly made of glass. Function was as important as form in Mid-Century designs, with an emphasis placed specifically on targeting the needs of the average American family. Examples of residential Mid-Century modern architecture are frequently referred to as the California Modern style."

{the second paragraph focuses more on the architecture solely, though the genre is also inclusive to the categories mentioned in the very first sentence of this excerpt.}

I follow a lot of design and decor bloggers, stores, brands, web sites, etc on social media, and recently came across a beautiful web site for a store in hartford, connecticut called pettit & parkins.

pettit & parkins' store is located in the design center in hartford, but you can browse some of their unique treasures on their web site here.

here are some of my favorite finds from their online store.

aren't they all gorgeous? find these and more on their web site and in their store.

cleaning up on old habits.

2011-03-24T13:07:00.000-04:00

I was out running earlier this week after work, cursing, literally, the whole way home as I wore the wrong socks and my shiny, fancy new nikes that I got for christmas rubbed chunks of skin off the back of my heels. blood was oozing from open wounds when I returned home. so bad that it makes simply walking extremely painful.

silly me. those shoes are good for nothing but looking pretty. (sorry mom and dad!)

yesterday evening I left work a little early so I could get in a really good workout last night. this slightly warmer weather and welcome sun has been encouraging me to get out and stretch my legs. I threw on workout clothes - black t-shirt, black pants - an unknowingly prophetic choice, I would soon find out. applied ointment and bandaids to aforementioned torn up heels, and laced up my old standards - the new balance athletic shoes that I've had since I was a junior at the university of georgia. you know the kind.

I did the greenway loop by my house, passing by all the cars speeding home. stopping briefly to gaze across the pond and saying hello to the geese. (side note - I am fairly certain there is an alligator, or maybe just a very large turtle living in that pond.)

my heels were feeling ok. I was feeling good. and then the rain came.

I should have anticipated it. it was touch and go weather all day, but when I left my house it was perfectly sunny. so I found myself just halfway through the run, with absolutely no shelter options, being drenched through by the spring rain.

glad I wore all black.

since there was no other option but to enjoy it. I did just that. I lifted my head up and let the water run down my face. I opened my mouth and drank the rain. I tilted my hands up and let the water gather in them.

it felt good to be out there and accept the sensation of being soaked by rain. which is something that we usually try so hard to avoid... dashing to our cars with bags over our heads. fumbling with umbrellas that do more harm than good. paying good money for expensive rain jackets to protect ourselves from getting the slightest bit wet. doing whatever we can to escape the small inconvenience of nature.

I spent a little time praying and asking God to use this rare moment in the rain to speak to me about cleansing.

I've been dealing with some junk over the past few weeks. cleaning out some junk, more like.

I stopped taking a medicine because I want to clean out my system and learn to practice other methods for managing my health needs other than pills.
I started recycling because I want to clean up the amount of waste I put onto the earth.
I sold off a bunch of furniture and other things I don't need so I can clean up and simplify my home.
I cleaned up my facebook friends list and trimmed off a bunch of people that I don't talk to, or don't even know.
I started using all organic products so I can clean up the things I put in and on my body, to rid myself of chemicals, perfumes and other unhealthy things.
I traded in a SUV for a hybrid car so I can contribute, even in a small way, to cleaning up the environment and lessening our dependence on oil.
I stopped drinking coffee every morning so I can clean out my brain and learn to function without an addiction to caffeine driving my productivity.

these have all been small choices that I am learning how to stick to. because old habits are hard to break. but they must be broken in order for change to come. and I'm trying to be obedient to a time of cleaning out, preparation, and change that I feel I am being drawn into.

however, even though I know that change is good, and cleaning out is necessary, there are those old habits I have a hard time letting go of. I'm talking about emotional habits. emotional crutches that I use to get me through when I am hurting or being resistant to the newness ahead of me.

and so, this is my prayer - that I will have courage not avoid the process of airing out areas of my life that need a spring clean.

life lately.

2011-03-21T20:43:00.001-04:00

I got a new car! a 2008 prius hybrid. love it.

did a little antiquing at harpeth antique mall. coveting this old typewriter.

my friend meesa had a rockin' birthday party in nashville. with crazy lights and cupcakes.

my occ girls came to visit!

francesca battistelli and dave barnes at the "hundred more years" cd release party at the belcourt.

my sweet iraqi family I am helping with through world relief arrived! this is saad, raya, and rasha.

union station driving by one afternoon.

took a work trip road trip to ohio and it snowed. that was unexpected.

and the best part of ohio was... ikea!

no, I take that back. the best part was getting to see my sweet friend bonnie and stay with her.

this was one of the work meetings in ohio - vision planning for american heritage girls.

but I came home to spring in nashville, and this flowery tree outside my door.

sweet baby raya! in her new carseat with her new stuffed bunny rabbit. I love her.

joren and I saw john mark mcmillan at 12th and porter. great show.

pinkberry opened right by my house... coconut, strawberry, and almond is my jam.

these are the people I spend my days with. work friends exploring the launch of our new web site.

still checking out new fun places. like holland house in east nash. good times.

matthew west show and I am second reception.

the weather is beautiful and I've been working out on the greenway by my house.

how I got my job.

2011-03-20T15:32:00.003-04:00

some of the most frequent facebook messages I receive are from youth who have previously traveled on an overseas trip with me to deliver shoe boxes, asking how they can get a job like that.

for 7 years when I worked for operation christmas child, I was privileged to lead youth trips called "youth beyond borders" then later "SPY: samaritan's purse youth" trips. {SPY trip overseas. right... not my idea for the name}. because of the those trips and the coincidental timing with the growth of social networking through facebook, probably a third of my facebook friends are youth/young adults who I led on those trips. I love the ease of facebook for being able to keep up with them and see how they've grown and changed, and what choices they are making now as young adults - in ministry and their lives in general.

I get a facebook message at least once a month, and facebook chatted almost every time I am online by one of those kids, asking how they can get my job.

what did I do? what did I study? how can I get a job that will send me overseas to travel?

so I thought I would put together a brief overview on my recommendations for youth who are thinking about full time international ministry as their career path. some suggestions for school, career, and things to keep in mind.

I want to preface this by saying that I honestly did not have any idea that part of the nature of the job I was taking would be to travel overseas so often. I just wanted to do public relations. god had plans for my role that were a blessing and a privilege for me to get to do. the cherry on top of the already great job.

1. study something in university that gives you a tangible skill.

I went to a small christian college for my first 2 years of university, and when I transferred to the university of georgia as a junior - it was time to get serious about studying something that would direct my career path. I stumbled into the journalism school, and fell into public relations. literally. I didn't even know how to define public relations {and still struggle with that} in my first day of class. but it was god-ordained for me to be there. it was a area of study in which I was uniquely skilled, but didn't know it at the time. my advice to you on what to study in university is to find something that will give you an actual skill to be able to offer the world when you're done. let's be clear. what I mean is: history and sociology are fun to study - but what are you going to do with your degree when you're done? what good does your degree offer to the people you desire to serve?

if you want to work in international ministry - think about what skills are needed, and where those skills intersect with your passions - and start there. for instance, maybe you're good at math. people who can handle finances and are willing to do it in a third world setting rather than at merrill lynch are a huge asset to the international relief community. are you a good mechanic, good at building things, interested in medicine? there are many facets of "work" in international ministry. just be sure that when you graduate you're prepared to add value to the people you're serving and the ministry you seek to serve with by not wasting your time in school.

2. start preparing and serving now.

don't waste any time. if you think that god is calling you to serve others in international ministry, what are you engaging in now to confirm that calling and prepare yourself for the future? participating and leading local ministry efforts is a great place to start. as well as taking mission trips as often as you can {and as god leads} and to as many different places as you can. stoke the fire in your heart. go and see, even now, what it means to serve overseas, and use this time before your real career starts to discern if god is calling you there for life.

3. know that it's not as great as it looks.

living and serving others in a culture other than our own has it's thrilling qualities, but also is a huge sacrifice that you need to be sure you are ready to make. for myself personally, traveling overseas and domestically so often took a huge toll on my personal life. it was hard for me to settle into where I was living. I couldn't commit to things on a weekly basis, like a church... or a bible study even. I missed major events in my friends and families lives. I honestly didn't have a lot of friends. I spent my 20's+ single because I rarely met guys and those I did meet all lived in other countries! I was tired and jet-lagged and stressed more than I would have liked. I spent my life on the road, and my life was my work. it defined me. there were amazingly good and beautiful things that I got to do, and I would not trade it for one second. no regrets. but you need to consider the things that you'll be giving up, also. it's not as glamorous and wholly fulfilling as it might seem to be, if there are other things in your heart that you are prioritizing for your life.

4. start small but don't allow yourself to be pigeonholed.

you're going to have to start on the bottom of the "totem pole" in international ministry. it would be unwise and, in fact, dangerous to send a young person who lacks experience and skill into a cross-cultural situation in a leadership capacity. look for a job that is entry-level but on the path that you want to be on. there is something to be said about "getting your foot in the door". but I also want to try to warn you not to be pigeonholed into one role when you may have capacity to do much more. do your time, but if you're continuously overlooked for promotions, or to take on more challenges - take time to examine why. maybe you're just not good for the job, and they see that, but you don't. i.e. the problem may be you. but I have seen in my experience how organizations "pigeonhole" some people into roles when they really can do so much more. just be sure you're always proving yourself trustworthy and capable, able to excel at what you've already been given. not seeking praise, but seeking to serve well.

5. where to look.

there are a million and one international aid/relief/mission/ministry organizations. god is inspiring people every day to start new ones - maybe even you?! for the most job options, look to the really large organizations that work on multi-million dollar budgets. these organizations will have more entry level positions because they have more money to be able to specialize in more areas, and therefore creating more jobs. start there.

however, should you be passionate about or have connections with a smaller organization, they might be more open to allowing a younger, less-experienced person to have more responsibility. you'll be paid less and do more work - but it can be very rewarding also.

search the organization's web sites. when I was looking for my job, I looked at about 10 ministries web sites everyday to see what was newly posted. {consider subscribing to the RSS feed of their employment pages.} even if they don't have something that looks just right, just yet - many of them allow you to submit a general application to have on file. I would encourage you to do that so that when you see a good job fit come up, you can tell them you already have an app on file with them, and just update it to show them how you're specifically skilled for that open role. this is also just good practice to go through. filling out the applications gives you a sense of what they're looking for in employees, what language they use, etc. it's also good work for you to go through writing your brief statement of faith {often required for christian organizations} and fine tuning your resume.

I hope these tips help frame up some ideas and action steps for any young person thinking about entering full time overseas ministry for a career. my words and suggestions are by no means black and white - you've got to leave room for the holy spirit to move and speak to you when you're setting out your life to serve him and his children. as I said earlier, that job was not what I had intended to do. it was a gift. but as I served with samaritan's purse in that capacity I learned a few tips along the way that I hope help someone.

dream house.

2011-03-19T14:04:00.000-04:00

came across this slideshow today on dwell.com {dwell magazine}. this is my pretty much my dream home. love the clean, modern design, recycled materials, natural light, white simplistic decor combined with solid mid-century pieces, and... well I love all of it.

find the whole slideshow here.

on relationships. if this even makes sense...

2011-03-18T17:06:00.001-04:00

my heart is burdened this week by so many friends struggling with relationships.

in the past 4 days I have consulted on a new love, an old love, a comfortable love, and 2 breakups. I have sat through 3 crying sessions. one married, one single, one… me.

relationships are hard. they always will be because they were created to be a reflection and a tangible expression of The Relationship. the One we seek to be in relationship with. the Relationship that will be the only wholly satisfying andselfless love we can achieve.

and we just can’t get that here on earth. there will always be tension. there will always be lack. there will always be want and wondering.

that’s what keeps us humble and seeking the Lord. if we could get all we needed from the created, from other people - why would we seek after more?

c.s. lewis surmises that every friendship, every love, every relationship we are blessed to enter into on this side of heaven starts because we see something in that other person that is something we are missing in our own being, in our own souls. we will keep seeking and searching in relationship to fill that lack for as long as we live.

and while we will have our times of joy and comfort, we just may never feel settled or complete.

however, by grace and through His love, God gives us good gifts in one other. gifts of people and presence that fulfill certain needs and that make living worth it.

loving makes life rich.

loving is not easy.

usually when a thing is valuable, it is not easily attained.

God created the world and everything in it. He created adam and looked and saw that it was not good for man to be alone. so he created a companion. and it was not just anyone. it was someone for adam to love.

I don’t know how theologically sound this is, but here’s my take: God saw lack, and want, in what he had originally created. so He made it better. man and woman both were created in the image of God. and they both reflect aspects of Himself. aspects that, when set apart from one another, are not entirely complete.

two are better than one.

there is simply no answer or resolution to the pain that relationships can bring to our lives. they will always bring some level of discomfort.

but they were designed in a certain way that makes me think - no, sure - that they are not only worth it, but worth sticking it out when its hard, and worth hoping for.

on embracing future good.

2011-03-18T17:01:00.003-04:00

I am beginning to feel that we need a preliminary act of submission not only towards possible future afflictions but also towards possible future blessings. I know it sounds fantastic; but think it over. It seems to me that we often, almost sulkily, reject the good that God offers us because, at that moment, we expected some other good. Do you know what I mean? On every level of our life – in our religious experience, in our gastronomic, erotic, aesthetic and social experience – we are always harking back to some occasion which seemed to us to reach perfection, setting that up as a norm, and depreciating all other occasions by comparison. But these other occasions, I now suspect, are often full of their own new blessing, if only we would lay ourselves open to it. God shows us a new facet of His glory, and we refuse to look at it because we’re still looking for the old one. And of course we don’t get that…

It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants. But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in the single wordencore. And how should the Infinite repeat Himself? All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once.

And the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erect them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories.

Properly bedded down in a past which we do not miserably try to conjure back, they will send up exquisite growths.

Leave the bulbs alone, and the new flowers will come up.

{"encore" by c.s. lewis from the book letters to malcolm}

2011-03-18T17:00:00.000-04:00

feeling these words for a friend, today.

spending my time sleep walking
moving my mouth but not saying a thing
hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
preoccupied with how a life should appear
spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

there are so many ways to hide
there are so many ways not to feel
there are so many ways to deny what is real

{sara groves - just showed up}

crash.

2011-03-18T16:59:00.002-04:00

sometimes when I get really frustrated I have a fantasy of taking a large stack of plates, like those in this photo, and crashing them one by one methodically to the ground in a million pieces into a large pile of scrap. its the only image that seems to bring resolution to my need to inflict destruction back onto something else that I feel has been inflicted on me.

kiss on the cheek.

2011-03-18T16:58:00.002-04:00

I woke up early this morning in my snuggly guest room bed. because apparently my 29th year is when I can no longer sleep in much. or sleep much, period.

I’m in the guest room because my life lately is causing me fitful sleep. where I decide, in the midst of my sweet slumber, to curl my body into a tight ball, clench my arms together, and arch my back so that I wake up to extremely painful twisted back muscle pain. I think my super soft bed is not helping, so I am testing out other bed options. its good times. hot showers and 3 advil have become my morning love.

but this post is not about my back pain {shew, I know, boring}.

I slowly pulled myself out of bed, cursing the pain, cursing the unnecessarily early 4 something hour, and cursing jillian michael’s 30 day shred workout. I had a busy morning ahead full of the small things that fuel life. bank run, drop off a car seat at the neighbors, drug store run, coffee run, and to top it all off, a day where I needed to look halfway decent for work which means actually drying my hair, ugh.

out of bed, into the cold house. I snapped a look back at my bed side table to make sure my cell phone was not lost in the duvet sea somewhere. {which would inevitably mean a hidden alarm blaring at me from the depths of my covers at some point in the morning.}

my bedside table in my guest room holds 3 photos. one is of my brother and sister in law’s beautiful wedding in athens, georgia, where we all went to school. one of my sister standing in a medieval plaza in siena, italy from our trip there together. and one of me and my dad standing outside the ancient hacienda la cienega on our trip to ecuador together.

I started to think about my dad and how much fun we had on that trip…

this past weekend was filled with heavy things. some friends visited town for a weekend away from their chaotic lives, to be loved on and fed by myself and another old friend. the details of how we all know each other and what we’ve been through together would fill up an entire blog post. we used to work together, and have not in about 5 years.

so much life happens in the passing of 5 years. and this weekend was a chance for us to get back on the same page with one another. to listen to the heart and try to sense what God is doing.

because sometimes this is all you need. to share what is weighing on your heart and mind audibly to someone else. to say “this is what I can’t stop praying for. this is my heart. this is the unknown. this is what I fear. this is what I want to hear from God about.” and let me tell you, it’s incredibly moving to hear someone pray words over you and on your behalf that you have been praying alone for a long time. for them to ask God for things for you out of love.

after such a beautiful, emotional, taxing, heart-wrenching weekend of prayer, I feel raw. I feel like we opened up some floodgates so that we could access the Lord, but those same open gates allow the lions to come prowling around us. and that is how the enemy likes to work - he comes sniffing like a prowling lion around what God is doing.

when my friends left I was contemplating the weekend and wondering why God wouldn’t just speak to us. why wouldn’t he show up in my living room, sit on the couch and hold the “activity pillow” {inside joke} with us and just tell us what we need to know. because every girl in the room only wanted, with all our hearts, what He wants for us.

we really do. that’s all we want. we want what He wants. because we are His daughters and we know He is in charge, and that He is good.

friends, I don’t have an answer for why. but I still trust that He is good.

so I thought about the picture of me and my dad. and was reminded recently of a time when my dad showed me clear love, and how it felt. I was home in atlanta visiting my family for a weekend over the holidays. we had just finished up our traditional breakfast together at o’charley’s before everyone drives home to their respective neighboring states, and doing a little shopping together. we were standing in an aisle at marshall’s and my sister asked me what I wanted for christmas. I was in one of those particularly ornery-about-life moods and I said “a boyfriend” {sad face}.

my dad was standing next to me and put his arm around me and kissed my cheek and said “I know baby, I want one for you too.”

at the moment I didn’t think much about it except for “aww, thanks dad”. but later, I realized that the feeling of that small moment is all I want and need from God sometimes. I just want him to touch me, to look me in the eyes, to let me know He is present, and to say to my request “I know. I want you to be happy too.”

although we can’t have everything we want, at least acknowledging it brings some comfort. to have that tangible expression of “I am for you. I know what your heart wants.” would help me so much, I think.

I don’t get why God doesn’t do that for his girls. I’m going to have to ask Him someday.

but this, I believe, is the closest we can get to His kiss on the cheek while on earth.

“therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. for life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. and how much more valuable are you than birds! who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
consider how the wild flowers grow. they do not labor or spin. yet I tell you, not even solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith! and do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. for the pagan world runs after all such things, and your father knows that you need them. but seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
do not be afraid, little flock, for your father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.”
{luke 12.22-32}

instead of a kiss on the cheek, I’m going to consider how the wild flowers grow today. because I am His daughter, created in His image. He sees me, and cares for me. I know, even when I have a hard time seeing it.

maybe you aren't ready.

2011-03-18T16:57:00.002-04:00

“what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him.” {1 corinthians 2.9}

as 2011 started I began to pray a lot about what this year held for me.

I knew it was going to be a big one. I hoped it would be a magical one.

my first full year in nashville. my 30th birthday. my first trip to africa. these are all things that 2011 holds, and much more.

I asked God to speak to me about the year and what to expect. to give me a direction and a plan that was on course with his expectations and his desires.

he gave me a word - prepare.

and along with that, he dropped me some hints about what to prepare for.

learn to cook better. brush up on my spanish. get a handle on my finances. write more.

random things eh? I don’t know exactly what I am preparing for, but I am joyfully making ready some areas of my life that I had maybe let fall short before.

I was scanning twitter one morning and came across a blog post from pastor steven furtick from elevation church in charlotte, nc.

now, I will confess that I am not a huge fan of his personality. I am sure he is an influential and dynamic pastor, but I’m usually put off by his lack of humility when it comes to the over-the-top amazingness of his own church. I want to say that not to knock him, but just to frame up that simply because I like one thing he wrote doesn’t mean I like them all. ok, moving on.

this post is titled “my advice for single people”. sounded relevant to me. so I clicked on it. read it here.

his blog post basically says that maybe you are single because you are the one not ready. you should work on you. you should prepare.

“Stop looking for the person of your dreams and start becoming someone another person is dreaming about. Make someone else’s dreams become a reality.

A lot of single people make lists of what they want in the person they’re looking for. That’s fine. Just make sure that if the person you’re looking for had the same list, they’d find you.”

if I have learned one small thing in my journey of relationships, it’s that in order to be fully you, things need to be crafted within you that only trial and observation can create. there is no substitute for those things. and both of them take time.

those things may be compassion, patience, grace, how to withstand grief - heavy things that often come through trials.

or perhaps - how to cook, how to manage your finances, how to maintain a clean and well-ordered home - things that come through observation.

so it comes down to this: maybe you aren’t ready. give it the time it needs.

***

“and like I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart”

{brooke fraser: love is waiting}

9 countries.

2011-02-24T21:30:00.012-05:00

this is the country song in my head that's been waiting to be written.

if I could write music, I'd give it a pretty tune.

it's a little t. swift style - you know, fairly specific identifiers about the "you" this song is about.

but that's ok. cause my heart's all healed up, and there's no looking back. except on the nice things. these memories are safe and beautiful and I needed to share them.

in fact, this is mostly about the moment I knew that it had to be over.

I didn't know in that moment that I would be ok.

but I am so much more than ok.

{smile.}

---

when it's all said and done
we saw a lot of this world
I learned what love is
and how real it is
how you can feel the weight of it
carrying it around in your heart
and even when you give it away
it comes back stronger
we left so much behind

in 9 countries

all we had was this world
newness to discover
about love and working it out
and how hard it is
when love is here
and it could not be more real
but we both know it can't go much further
than these countries

I never knew how to feel that way
before you
you made me grow up fast
how you looked at me
we should have stayed wrapped in those sheets
but we had countries to see
love was falling too fast
it crashed down hard on us
and we couldn't hold it up

we were driving west through the north
you asked me what it is I want
and that's when I knew
that love is real but it's not everything
what is everything
is everyday life
and you and I don't know how to do that
all we really have
are sweet memories

from 9 countries

but sometimes
it's more than a memory
like a picture show
flipping through my head
the soundtrack of our life
turned up loud as it gets
blaring through the speakers of my heart
and I'm always trying to find mute

and then that picture pops up
of you on that sail boat
your sunburnt smiling face
little gap in your tooth
the dimples in your cheeks
and you were always so cute
then it's more than a memory
of us in those countries

fringe.

2011-02-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

fringe. that's what the brits call them.

bang bang bangs! that's what we call them.

I did it myself... scary? or ok?

shoppe.

2011-02-20T17:26:00.000-05:00

today I started a tumblr site. it may eventually be the downfall of this blog site, but time will tell.

for now, it's going to be a dwell swell shoppe. for me to sell off some of the stuff I have accumulated over the years.

it's some darn cute stuff...

please check it out! dwell swell shoppe

awesome.

2011-02-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

oh, have I ever mentioned how awesome my friends are?

life lately.

2011-02-17T18:36:00.000-05:00

life lately. basically, I love it.

cold toes. warm heart.

happy in a cup.

delish.

I heart my city big time.

oh, hi from the top of the symphony.

I spend a lot of time writing from this spot.

little b love.

making cookies. looking cute.

perfect sunday? very close to it...

creepy at buca.

yummy new cafe - mack and kates.

the schermerhorn symphony hall in nash town.

love bites.

more love bites.

favorite store. ever. philanthropy.

snowtraffic. craptastic.

hello kitty.

warm fuzzies. cold beer. live bluegrass.

conversation & heart.

2011-02-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

on the day after valentine's day, otherwise known as february 15th, I got a text from my ex boyfriend.

he was watching a tv show that reminded him of me.

he asked me if I found someone new to love yet.

I told him I only have an interest in using that word {love} once more.

"you know what I mean?"

he said I always had been more interested in words than in numbers.

he knows me well.

sigh no more.

2011-02-15T15:36:00.002-05:00

Serve God, love me, and mend

This is not the end

Lived unbruised, we are friends

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more

One foot in sea, one on shore

My heart was never pure

And you know me

And man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you

It will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design

An alignment to cry

Of my heart to see

The beauty of love as it was made to be

{sigh no more - mumford & sons}

big congrats to the mum & sons for their awesome performance at the grammys. they redeemed music in 2010. beautiful. talented. emotional. deep.

happy.

2011-02-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

go on and ask me anything

 what do you need to know

I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go of

to be free, to be free

I've got to ask you something

but please don't be afraid

there's a promise here that’s heavier  than your answer might weigh

baby it's me, it's me

it's a sweet, sweet thing

standing here with you and nothing to hide 

light shining down to our very insides

sharing our secrets, bearing our souls 

helping each other come clean

secrets and cyphers

there's no good way to hide

there's redemption in confession  and freedom in the light

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

better than our promises

is the day we got to keep them

I wish those two could see us now

they never would believe how

there are different kinds of happy

there are different kinds of happy

{sara groves}

give it up.

2011-02-08T01:32:00.003-05:00

a few years ago I was visiting with my sweet friend bonnie. we were sitting in the beautiful living room of her victorian home on a main street in small town ohio. I was hurting. she was trying to help.

god had forced me to give up something that I did not want to give up. and I was grieving the loss. I had never felt such emptiness. such darkness. grasping in the unknown.

bonnie suggested that I read and meditate on the story of abraham and isaac. I thought to myself - yeah, I should probably do that because I don't understand why she is suggesting that story...

I clearly didn't know the story.

you can catch up on the adventures and lineage and wily ways of abraham throughout genesis. but isaac comes into the picture around chapter 21.

sarah was 100 years old when she gave birth to isaac. she had waited a long, long time. abraham had been promised a son. and isaac was the long-awaited and joyful fulfillment of god's word to them.

sarah said something like "god has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this is gonna laugh too. who would have thought after all this time, at my old age, god would bring me a son."

really, who would have thought? she was 100. people probably thought she was crazy. she surely had sleepless nights, for years and years, wondering if god would actually give her the desire of her heart.

and when isaac came, they all laughed. out of joy, and out of irony. god's timing is sometimes stupid ridiculous.

and all lived happily ever after.

{not so much.}

after some time, god tested abraham. god said "take him up to a mountain, to a place I will show you, and offer isaac as a sacrifice to me."

abe had to be thinking - wtf?!

but the bible doesn't say that {even in so many words}. it just says, the next morning, they prepared and they went.

so - god asked them not to think about this. not to be willing. god asked them to do it. to give up their most precious, treasured, thing. their son. their flesh and blood. he wanted it. he commanded it.

full of trust in god {and, I am sure, sick with pain} abraham did what he was asked to do. he got up early. they packed. he told isaac to come with him. they walked.

isaac asked his dad "where is the lamb for the offering?"

abraham assured him that god would provide the lamb.

then the details of the story get a little thin. I think that we, the readers, are spared. what it doesn't tell you in the bible is about the most anguishing moments. when abraham takes his son. he ties him up. isaac must be screaming. abraham must be going crazy. he raises the knife.

we are spared the gory details. but still, we know.

and stop.

all god needed to know was that abraham was willing to do whatever he asked. and he was.

abraham was willing to give back to god his most precious possession. his most asked for, dreamed about, desired, craved, hoped for thing. he would have given it up.

the thing that always gets me about this story, is that we know how it ends.

it's nearly impossible to read it with an understanding of the depths of abraham's pain, because we know that god doesn't make him do it.

but abraham didn't know that. he didn't know. he would have given isaac up.

if there is something I need to bring before the lord, to offer up to him, I have to do it with a spirit that understands the finality of that offering.

the finality of isaac's offering would have certainly been death. and abraham would have lived in grief and pain without him forever. but in the end, god was good and gracious and provided a way out.

what I am giving up to god, I usually try to take back. and give it again. and take it back. and on. and on. and on.

you know what I mean?

I'm challenged everyday by the faith of abraham who did not know the grace-filled end of his own story, like we do.

so when god asks me to do something, or to give something up, I need to trust stronger. and to do it not knowing how the story will end. that is faith.

it's you.

2011-02-07T14:08:00.001-05:00

every word you say
I think I should write down
don't want to forget
come daylight

and no need to worry
that's wasting time
there's no need to wonder what's been on my mind
it's you

{paperweight}

joshua radin was in nashville this weekend doing a concert. would have liked to have seen him, but had better plans instead. I'll catch him next time. in honor of his visit to my fair city... enjoy my favorite lyrics of his.

just because...

2011-02-05T22:06:00.000-05:00

I like this photo.

locked.

2011-02-05T17:15:00.001-05:00

I never realized it
until you came knocking
how tightly the door was shut

once I slammed it
padlocked it twice
and put on a chain

not sure if it would ever open again
so sure then that I didn't want it to
the locks safekeeping all the contents inside

once I had to pick up all the pieces
everything that had poured out the door
I had to go find them

I had to bring them back
because they are all I have, they make and are me
all my memories and hope for the future

once someone tried to steal them
no, that's a lie
someone decieved me into giving them away

so you can see why
it was difficult to get them back
it was the hardest thing, but after time I did

once they were back
I slammed the door
no one else could get inside

if someone else let loose those things
I don't know, I don't think
I don't have the strength to get them back again

once I would share them with anyone
now I can't
they are locked away

but I can hear you lightly tapping
I can feel them shifting around
knocking about, ready to breathe some outside air

once I open that door
I'm scared
I don't know if the contents will still look the same

you see, we took quite a beating
we healed up, we had to, simply to keep living
and we are still quite fragile

once you see what is inside
please be kind, and be careful
keep all the pieces together

in order to pry open the door
I have to trust you will take caution
but I don't know if that's true

once the door is open
and everything lets loose
we can fill the space up with more things

and that's growth, and healing
and I think we can do this
just, please always be sweet

words.

2011-01-31T17:17:00.001-05:00

words mean more at night
like a song
and did you ever notice
the way light means more than it did all day long

so I’ll send you my words
from the corners of my room
and though I write them by the light of day
please read them by the light of the moon

{gregory alan isakov}

strawberry milk.

2011-01-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

since I moved to nashville, one of my closest friends has become B, age 4.

he's super cute and hilarious. he hates when I call him "silly face" or "B" or anything other than his full, proper name. he loves trains, kraft mac and cheese, and diving into the pool.

I was hanging with B recently {and his awesome parents of course}. we were all in the kitchen sipping on the last of our "mommy juice" cocktails, eating cookies, and talking about various, incredibly boring things to B.

at that time, B decided he wanted some strawberry milk. so he asked mommy to get it for him.

as mommy went to open the fridge to fulfill this simple request from the darling boy with a justin beiber haircut, B suddenly noticed the existence of rice pudding in the fridge. he wanted some of that too. and so, the deliberations began.

B was given the option - he could have strawberry milk OR he could have plain milk and rice pudding. he had to choose.

this was a devastatingly difficult decision for such a little man to make. neither choice was a good one. he wanted both. he had to have both. and so, the breakdown began.

he stomped his foot. he shed a few tears. he put up a good fight. but the results remained the same. he had to choose.

clearly, mommy knew that having both of those sweet things would be more destructive than good for him - but B wasn't able to rationalize that. he wanted what he wanted.

***

later that same night I found myself curled up in bed, trying to fall asleep with some things weighing heavy on my mind. praying. talking to God about it.

and then I got upset. and then I had a breakdown. and then I threw a tantrum.

I want what I want. I want it now. don't You think I deserve it? haven't I been good? what else can I do? I'm sorry if I screwed up in some way that is making You hold out on me this thing I am asking for. I think You love me but I am having a hard time feeling that You love me. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this. I'm going to stop asking. is that what You want?

I shed a few crocodile tears. I was mad. I blew my nose and went back to bed. trying to fall asleep with a most unpeaceful heart.

***

after B's mini-breakdown over the choices, he went with the rice pudding and plain milk. {good decision making skills - that way he got to have 2 things instead of just 1. and he could have the strawberry milk in the morning.}

he sat contentedly with his choice. being a very good boy.

he didn't eat much of it. we asked him why.

he really still wanted the strawberry milk too. he wanted it all. he "just wanted it to be a special night"...

and so with those completely adorable words, he got the strawberry milk too. and a snuggle from mommy.

***

while trying to fall asleep back in my bed later that night, after my own tantrum, I thought about the strawberry milk.

I'm asking God for strawberry milk and rice pudding.
I want what I choose.
and now.
I don't want to wait.

nothing much changes from a 4 year old to a 29 year old.

the strawberry milk incident was a sobering thought for me.

after a little time cooling off, I reminded myself once again that God has a plan for my good. for His timing. He's going to give me what I need - not too soon {that much we know for sure} but not too late either. I've got to trust Him and accept just the small sweets He gives me each day, and wait for the right time to get it all.

BUT, you say - B did end up getting his strawberry milk too! {he's one lucky kid}

here's the thing, just a few days after my tantrum, God gave me a really big sweet. I wouldn't have dared to expect it, after that lesson learned. but, He gave it anyway. He was holding out because he wanted it to be special.

gah, I feel lucky.

13 going on 30.

2011-01-16T19:28:00.002-05:00

dear 13 year old shannon,

1994, when you're 13, is going to be a year of a lot of change for you. you're starting high school at mceachern. you're all grown up, clearly. I would advise you to watch less "my so called life" - it might help you learn how to deal with relationships in a more healthy way in the future. be nicer to everyone - the emo trend hasn't even started yet and you're too middle class to be grunge. those quotes and magazine clippings you tape to your wall - keep that up - you will always save those and look back on them fondly. your mind is being shaped and your love for culture and music is growing. hold your church friends close - they will be the source of your best memories for the next few years. savor every lock in, every youth camp, every wednesday night supper, every frisbee golf game (even though you hate sports) - those were good times.

for the next few years of high school you will make really close girlfriends who will define high school for you. you will not be cool. so stop trying. even though you live in the trendy neighborhood and ride the bus with all the cool people - its not going to happen for you. that's why I'm telling you - hold close to your true friends. try not to cry too hard after geometry class. you will never, ever have to use it again. all you have to do is make it through. but pay extra attention in spanish class - you're going to use that for the rest of your life.

in 1999, as high school comes to a close, you have no idea how dramatically your life is about to change. next up - college. in the mean time, your mom and dad will go through some rocky stuff. but keep up hope, because it's all going to be ok. and that boy you like, the one who is much older - just be grateful for who he is and not try to make it more. he's a good person but not the one. you're way too young for the one.

you'll pick young harris college because it looks... manageable. 500 people. small town. methodist school. not too far from home, but not too close. it looks like a good fit - and it is. the next 2 years are full of pure joy. easy classes, good grades. amazing friends. lots of naps. lots of beautiful, memorable times in the mountains of north georgia. there will be one boy you really like. he will be a great friend, but nothing more, and don't worry, you'll get over it after about a year and a half when you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet. you'll be president of a service society, and begin to see in yourself the desire to give and help others. you'll go to mexico on spring break, and your heart will be broken.

in the summer of 2001 you'll go back to mexico to be a missionary and build houses for a summer. your first week there will be your 20th birthday. and you'll spend it crying inside your sleeping bag, curled up on your cot inside that mexican church, hoping no one hears you. but, don't worry, in a few hours they will surprise you and have a cake and sing happy birthday and you'll be reassured that you can do this. you can do this. you'll build houses for people who have no where to live. you'll navigate the backroads and alleys of juarez. you'll drive a 15 passenger van, and pack tool kits. you will electrically.wire.a.house. and hurting people will have a new place to call home. you'll learn a lot of spanish there, too. and your love of mexican people, food, and culture will stick with you forever. oh, that summer you meet a boy and have a classic summer romance. you will love every second of it. just be careful not to get caught making out with him in the ministry truck on that vista parking lot.

in the fall of 2001 you'll go to uga. pay attention to that first day in public relations administration class. you'll be sitting next to your sweet friend sarah, having a discussion about how you don't know what public relations is... and then it will be become your career path. but your religion and spanish classes at uga will actually bring you to life and challenge you. always have. you'll spend your last semester doing an internship in downtown atlanta with a pr firm - do good at it. they'll offer you a job. but, you won't take it. surprise! you're crazy. but at this point, you know what god has called you to do. and it isn't trying to get more people to eat popeye's chicken.

2 weeks after you graduate from uga in 2003, you'll move to boone, north carolina. and you'll be there for a long long time - so, settle in. and buy a snow shovel. god has given you a gift to work in full-time ministry helping kids and sharing the gospel with them.

in early 2004, you'll go on your first international trip with this new job - doing public relations for operation christmas child. the trip will be to panama. you'll be back to panama quite a few times - but it will never be the same as this trip. try to remember the names of those girls in the photo. the ones on the hillside who work in the coffee plantations that you give your boxes too. because you will look at that photo every day for long, long time.

at the end of 2004, on a trip to costa rica, you'll meet 2 men who will change your life. one of them is wearing a red hoodie and you can't understand his accent. the other one is playing guitar. one will love you for a short time, the other one forever. but its opposite of who you think it is.

(hint - stick with the guitar player).

since you didn't take my hint - you'll fall madly in love with a boy from england. I don't know what to tell you... just, enjoy it while you have it. because it really is beautiful, that first love. he's your best friend. you will want to give him everything. your whole heart. you will care for one another and support one another. you will float around in a dream for a while, and go on some killer vacations together, too.

in 2006 you will go to cambodia and see things you never thought you would in your lifetime. and later that year, the red hoodie boy will hurt you. you won't be right for a long time. please stop crying. please try to forgive him sooner.

sometime in 2007, you'll visit ecuador and it will be the most beautiful place you've ever seen. and you'll go back. a lot. you'll spend a few years with a broken heart and not understanding a lot of things. you might as well give up earlier, because you'll never know why. try to be agreeable and not let it get you too down, because as much as you try to hide it - people notice. listen to the people who love you and pour words of life into you - like mom, and paige, and bonnie, and romi, and annie.

by 2009 you're fully coming back to life (I'm sorry, but yes, it will take you this long). there will be a few more boys thrown in there, just for fun, but you and I both know you're still not ready. you're really good at your job, but you won't like boone. take lots of drives in the pretty leaves, and throw snowballs, and go on lots of hikes. these are the things you'll miss when you leave. this is the year that god will speak to your heart about what's next. you'll start traveling to nashville a lot for work, then realize that you want it more and more. and god will say go.

the next year, you'll move and start a new life in nashville. it's not easy, but some really nice people will treat you so good that it quickly feels like home. and get ready, because god starts speaking to you, and fast. about a lot of things. and at this point, you just need to work on preparing yourself for the future. for 30 and beyond.

don't be so hard on yourself by always comparing yourself to others. and don't feel like you have to do stuff you don't want to - just say no once and a while. and call your mom when you get home from a trip, or she'll call the police. and write down the thoughts of the moment because you need to remember the promises god whispers to you. and trust them.

love,
almost-30-year-old shannon

gift.

2011-01-15T13:04:00.001-05:00

every good and perfect gift is from above. coming down from the father of heavenly lights. who does not change, like shifting shadows. (james 1.17)

I've been thinking a lot about gifts lately. not the gifts of talents and skills, but rather those tangible, wrapped, undeserved presents that we give to one another.

for my job, we're working on a re-make of "the little drummer boy" story about the boy who traveled with the wise men to see jesus when he was born. the story goes that the wise men had beautiful gifts to offer to jesus, but he had nothing. all he could give jesus was a song on his drum. so he played for him. and that was enough to make jesus smile.

I love to give gifts. its one of my primary love languages. I love spending time thinking about ways I can make people smile. I feel like God often whispers to me through giving gifts - those I give and those I receive.

to me, it's a token and a symbol of love. it says to the person getting it - I think you will like this. I think it will make you happy. I think it will make you smile. I think it will bring you joy. and I'm giving it to you because I want all those good things for you, because I care for you.

and what is a better thing we can offer to one another than to wish for them joy and do something tangible to ensure that they have it?...

I have so many thoughts about gifts swirling in my head right now, but I can't seem to organize them. I'm going to leave this post here, and pick up these thoughts more on my other blog, 10for52, related to one or my favorite giving ministries, sometime soon - when God finishes off these thoughts for me.

hazy.

2011-01-12T11:36:00.000-05:00

I know I can't be the only who gets like this.

walking around in a haze, a daze. for a few days or a week. not sure why. not sure how to snap out of it, but knowing I need to. my relationships and work get compromised by not being able to focus well. I just want to be by myself and think.

I'm a introvert, so maybe this happens to me more often than other people, because I really do need a lot of down time to be able to reenergize and stay on top of my game.

I've been mulling in my haze for a few days and am ready to snap out of it. so, I tried to target the root of the issue this morning.

inadequate. insecure.

these are the thoughts that have been dominating my mind for the past week or so.

I don't want this post to be either self-loathing or about my feelings. so I'm just going to attack this.

why?

when God's promises are so very clear. when His love is so very constant. when His word is so readily available. when His hope for my life is so very strong.

sometimes I just need to be reminded that God uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong.

God's expertise in throughout the entire bible is making someone great out of someone you wouldn't expect. all for His glory.

He thrives on showing His kids what he's capable of doing through them when they feel like they can't do anything.

I just read the story of moses this morning. craving those words and reminders from His word to my heart. moses kept trying to tell God that he couldn't do - that his words would falter. but we all know how that story ended.

and then there's king david.

and there's jesus.

God loves to make a weak, inadequate, insecure person do crazy amazing things.

I just needed to remember that.

"I can do all things through christ who strengthens me."

"for I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord. plans to prosper and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future."

blogger ballad.

2011-01-04T14:31:00.001-05:00

just discovered this song by the avett brothers. I thought it was a good ballad for a blogger...

Ten thousand words swarm around my head

Ten million more in books written beneath my bed

I wrote or read them all when searchin' in the swarms

Still can't find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over

But I am stuck in here all paralyzed

For months I got myself in ruts

Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Ain't it like most people? I'm no different

We love to talk on things we don't know about

Ain't it like most people? I'm no different

We love to talk on things we don't know about

And everyone around me shakes their head in disbelief

And says I'm too caught up

They say young is good and old is fine

And truth is cool but all that matters

Is that you have your good times

But their good times come with prices

And I can't believe it when I hear the jokes they make

At anyone's expese except their own

Would they laugh if they knew who paid?

Ain't it like most people? I'm no different

We love to talk on things we don't know about

Ain't it like most people? I'm no different

We love to talk on things we don't know about

And after we are through ten years

Of making it to be the most of glorious day dues

I'll come back home without my things

'Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear 'round you

And they'll be quick to point out our shortcommings

And how the experts all have had their doubts

Ain't it like most people? I'm no different

We love to talk on things we don't know about

treasure.

2011-01-02T18:24:00.003-05:00

He’s on a treasure hunt

Through storehouses of me

A trusted pirate of the memories sea

He’ll take coffee rather than rum

I carry a burden of old dusty things

I have hidden pure gold, found when rust lifts

I’m adorned with crowns and jewels and gifts

Treasure troves with locks in need of breaking

He salvages beautiful things out of ashes

He is a seeker who thrives on making new

And though only he can see the value

He has faith in what is unseen

His is the voyage in search of treasure

And I am the sought pearl of great prize

He finds me and wipes the tears from my eyes

He creates new things out of dust

He holds the scroll, I’ll draw the map

2010 year in pictures.

2010-12-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

a brief pictorial recap of a lovely 2010. what a great year!

for my final shoe box distribution trip with operation christmas child, I got to go to ecuador (the most beautiful place on earth) with some sweet friends.

this is me standing outside the voto nacional catedral in downtown quito.

me and a little one at a school in quito.

she is part of the compassion international sponsorship program there too!

cotopaxi volcano.

I moved from boone to nashville, tn. there were some sad goodbyes and exciting new beginnings.

my community relations team at crestwood.

great friends at bistro roca.

beautiful boone mountains.

oops. and then I hit a boone cop on the way out of town. poor little jeep.

this is my pretty new town - downtown franklin, tn.

new job and old job collide :)

new town and old town collide. samaritan's purse responds to the nashville floods.

my lovely new house. (more recent pic, obviously, from christmas.)

a few summer happenings... road trip to ohio, coming back home to nashville town.

loved every second of watching the world cup in south africa!

praise the lord for live streaming online...

visiting elizabethtown kentucky.

the wilson country fair with the curets! demolition derby, funnel cakes, chocolate covered bacon, and ferris wheel. fun times were had... while wearing cowgirl boots.

bluegrass at the station inn. this is just one small thing I love about my new town.

in september I traveled to spain, southern france, monaco, and italy with some friends from college.

it was a trip of a lifetime. amazingly beautiful.

my toes staring at the sea in cagnes-sur-mer, french riviera.

the magical little town of bidania, spain where some friends got married.

annie and jessup got married in october!

it was an awesome visit back to boone, in the fall, to see my great friends.

the wedding party.

I traveled to seattle with work friend jaime to visit world vision.

this was my second trip to seattle but first time on the space needle.

I spent a lot of time working with world vision this year.

I was inspired to sponsor luis orozco from colombia. he's 2. isn't he cute?!

world vision on tour with veggietales this past fall.

I won a cruise to the bahamas through work. we set sail in november on the majesty of the seas.

this photo was taken from the coast on coco cay island.

my uncle andy kozee passed away in early november.

rest in peace.

my beautiful grandmother jacqueline holt zehner passed away at the end of november.

finally free!

saw a once-in-a-lifetime concert - garth brooks at bridgestone arena in nashville!

second favorite concert of the year, the ever-amazing brooke fraser at the belcourt theatre.

finally, thankful for my nashville family (minus greg) who have taken me in and shown me so much love since I moved there! here we are going to see ICE at opryland pre-christmas.

harmony & resolution(s)

2010-12-27T17:56:00.004-05:00

the excitement of christmas is over and cold winter winds are blowing through the end of 2010.

I'm anxiously awaiting the coming warmth and the fresh new year that 2011 will bring.

my forever cold toes, especially, are ready for some sunshine...

I don't know why, but I think 2011 is going to be magical.

there are a lot of definitions for the word "resolution". this is the most practical as it relates to a fresh new year, the new year's resolution: the act of resolving or determining upon a course of action, method or procedure.

but I like the musical definition: the progression of a harmony as a whole, from dissonance to consonance.

dissonance is "a simultaneous combination of tones conventionally accepted as being in a state of unrest and needing completion".

consonance means accord or agreement. a harmony of sounds.

so, I would like to resolve to make my life more harmonious in 2011. to move from a state of dissonance to consonance. all the while becoming stronger and more agreeable.

resolution.

moving from discord to balance.

moving from disarray to organized.

moving from inefficient to helpful.

taking the moving pieces, the various scattered chords of my life, and making them sing in harmony together.

here are my 2011 resolutions:

manage my finances better so that I can prioritize the two most important financial goals I want to accomplish in the next few years: traveling the world and adoption
engage in giving and volunteering more in my local community
meet more people in franklin/nashville and foster my home life there
recapture my love of adventure and exploration in the outdoors that I was more passionate about in my college days
prioritize taking care of my body at least at the same level as I currently take care of my home and created environment, i.e. through time and spending choices

praying and hoping I can make a more beautiful harmony of my life in 2011.

she's gone country.

2010-12-22T15:03:00.003-05:00

I'm geeking out excited about going to the garth brooks concert in nashville tonight!

he hasn't played nashville in many years, but for the past week has been packing out bridgestone arena night after night, doing a series of concerts to benefit those affected by the nashville flood that happened this past may.

I'm not a huge fan of country music, but did get into it a bit in college, hanging out with my girlfriends from good ol' white county, georgia. I have very fond memories of riding in sarah's red jeep cherokee with the windows down blasting dixie chicks "cowboy take me away"!

and then there was the time they drug me to a kenny chesney and leeann womack concert in towns county. I remember kenny riding out on stage on his tractor "she thinks my tractor's sexy"... yeah.

good memories.

but my fondest country music memories are of garth.

I lived in el paso texas for a summer in 2001 when I was interning with a house building ministry called casas por cristo working to build homes across the border in juarez, mexico. I was listening to a lot of country music that summer.

I mean, it was texas. it had to be done.

it was the closest to cowgirl I would ever be.

so somehow I ended up with garth brooks double live CD. 2 discs of his best songs performed live. I remember laying upstairs in a mexican church, snuggled in my dirty sleeping bag, ear buds in, trying to drown out the sounds of the lively youth group around me (great leader, eh?), listening to great tunes like "the dance", "to make you feel my love", and "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".

I don't know why that moment sticks out in my mind so vividly. I'm really into song lyrics, and since all garth's songs were new to me, I think I was struck by his lovely and profound lyrics. a lot about heartache, about which I knew nothing at that time of my life...

I can see myself now, age 20, on the royal blue cot, in my north face bag, loving some garth.

and another sweet garth memory... I remember at a winter formal in college we were all dressed up, looking sparkly, having an amazing night. "standing outside the fire" came on and my group of friends, guys and girls, all huddled together a made a huge circle, arms around one another, singing and laughing and dancing to the song. I remember thinking to myself that this moment is really good, and it will never happen again...

and how lucky I am.

"life is not tried it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire"

love you strongly.

2010-12-19T17:26:00.002-05:00

love.
changes everything.
I see my life in daydreams.
little scenes of you and me.

there you are singing to me.
soft little melodies.
on the ukelele.
swinging in the summer breeze.

I could think about it a thousand more times.
I could think about it for the rest of my life.
oooh. I could.
oooh. I could.

I know love has treated you coldly before.
left you lonely.
oh but not anymore.
I was made to love you strongly.

time doesn't exist.
melts away in a mist.
with the touch of your lips.

I could think about it a thousand more times.

I could think about you for the rest of my life.

oooh. I could.

{amy stroup}

decorate me.

2010-12-14T14:08:00.002-05:00

Hang stars on my heart
And toss tinsel all around
Throw glitter on each part

String the popcorn garland loose
Place the white bird high
Or wherever, you choose

Light it up
Twinkling and sparkling
Overflow my heart, my cup

Place your handmade memories with care
And tell me about each one
How you hurt and how you smiled, please share

Below me place a pretty skirt
Let it be white and soft
To cush the fall of any future hurt

Hang these things on my heart
You seem to know how to decorate me
When the season is right, let's start

style icon.

2010-12-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

the last style icon I wrote about was queen rania of jordan. I'm loving the looks of marion cotillard lately. she's so lovely dressed up or down. great style, gal.

wreath.

2010-12-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

get ready for another shameless display of decor love from dwell swell. it's christmastime and that means - decorations for the home. one of my new favorite items to covet (and attempt not to purchase) are christmas wreaths. wreaths combine quite a few of my favorite things.

1. traditional sentimental christmas decor warm fuzzies
2. circles
3. they come in my favorite color: white

a poem by george herbert
a wreath

A wreathed garland of deserved praise,
Of praise deserved, unto thee I give,
I give to thee, who knowest all my wayes,
My crooked winding wayes, wherein I live,
Wherein I die, not live : for life is straight,
Straight as a line, and ever tends to thee,
To thee, who art more farre above deceit,
Then deceit seems above simplicitie.
Give me simplicitie, that I may live,
So live and like, that I may know thy wayes,
Know them and practise them : then shall I give
For this poore wreath, give thee a crown of praise.

so, here are a few of my favorite things.

contrast.

2010-12-03T21:08:00.004-05:00

Like closed windows in a hot car

And the weight of ancient boulders above you

When darkness falls in early afternoon

The medication makes you too numb to feel

Tree branches snap being weighed down by ice

Clouds cover the meadow in thick white

You breathe grey smoke into your lungs

Like bracing for the impending punch

It’s dark

Like opening up the sunroof to a gentle breeze

And crawling into the open air

When the sun rises and burns off the night

The world appears more clean and crisp

Trees grow green buds

Clouds part and make friendly shapes

You breathe in deep freshness

Like stretching out far your hands to receive the gift

It’s light

It’s the contrast that you notice most

psalm.

2010-11-12T22:56:00.001-05:00

I just got back from a week cruising in the bahamas on the music boat.

the christian music boat. the christian cruisers on said boat I am sure will inspire a future top 10 post, so don't worry, more to come on this soon...

I was unexpectedly blessed by the beautiful music we made on the ocean this week.

the boat was hosted by long-time staple and leaders in christian music, third day. those boys still have it going on. they went to my high school, and even gave it a shout out from stage. that was fun.

since third day hosted they brought along their entourage called 'glory revealed'. it's a project, a movement, of worship leaders who are committed to writing music directly from scripture in the bible. I really enjoyed their performances, and especially getting to hear trevor morgan play. I previously only knew of him from seeing his name attached as the songwriter on lots of various worship music over the years.

but man, the kid can sing.

he played for us his signature glory revealed song contribution, called psalm 23, after the passage, of course.

check it out below. I particularly love the mod bluegrass infusion into the tune.

simple and lovely.

on another note. while listening to this song I smiled at the end of the passage. of course I've heard it a million times, but the word struck me...

dwell.

surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.

andy.

2010-11-05T22:43:00.001-04:00

my uncle andy kozee passed away today. he was 61 years old.

I haven't seen him in years, although he lived not far from my parents near atlanta.

he was the oldest of 5 kids. my dad's older brother.

andy didn't live the easiest life. he struggled. he was a bit crazy. not able to function well and keep a normal job and take care of himself well.

I remember a few years ago when my dad told me he was pretty sure andy was homeless. that he was living outside of a homeless shelter with a group of other people who for some reason didn't qualify to live inside it. they would get meals their at the shelter.

I remember how my heart fell.

then my dad became his hero. dad went through the frustrating process to apply for disability on his behalf. andy finally had a chance to live a decent existence.

he moved into an apartment.

dad managed his meager money.

dad made sure he had everything he needed. he took him places. he brought him things. he cared for him - even though he was hard to love at times.

and dad found him.

I'm so proud of my dad. and thankful for all he did for andy. and how he loved the unlovable. how he was the only one who would. in his own way. but loved him all the same.

well done dad. we are all so proud and thankful for all you did to love your family through and for andy.

I am sure mamaw and papaw were happy to see him arrive.

lots of hugs and angels playing bluegrass music in heaven today.

andrew kozee

1949-2010

rest in peace

dear john.

2010-11-04T22:04:00.001-04:00

every once and a while I hear a new song that strikes a chord - makes me want to stand up, throw my fist in the air, and yell at the top of my lungs "YES GIRL! SING IT."

you know what I mean?

I love those songs.

they make me feel part of the universal ebb and flow of life. and that good and bad things happen to people all the time. love comes and goes. life is happy and sad. it's all going to be ok. and if its not, someone else will write a song about that too. and that one might be my anthem for a while

I felt that way when I heard taylor swift's new album (no I am no 12 years old, actually) and specifically the song "dear john".

people are saying that it's about her secret relationship with john mayer. I think instead, that she must be reading my mind. or my emails. (taylor, get outta my head!)

change 2 letters of his name and this song is about 99% content from the depths of my journal, too.

yeah girl. I know what you mean.

---

dear john

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting the footsteps, praying the floor wont fall through
Again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone
Tonight
Well I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I should have known

Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and you're sick need to give love and take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can

Dear john I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

Dear john, I see it all now I was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young to be played by your dark twisted games
When I loved you so
I should have known

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry with tired, lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches before fire could catch me

So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town

joy to the world.

2010-10-30T21:06:00.005-04:00

ok. ok. I know it's still 2 months until christmas. but I love the holiday so much that when the air starts getting crisp and the year starts winding down, it's hard not to start getting sentimental and longing for the joy that encompasses all that christmas is.

christmas is so many things, and one thing. joy to the world, the lord has come. let earth receive her king. I celebrate for one reason, and that's to rejoice in the birth of our savior jesus.

for god so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.

he gave. and so, we give too.

we do as he did.

christmas is a season of heart-giving. (ok. it should be a season of heart-giving). my love language is giving - I love to show people how much I care for them by giving them things I know they will like. things that will make them happy. a note. some cookies. or an extravagant gift I know they wouldn't buy themself.

I love to give. and I am also passionate about giving to the causes I care about. I've been know to bemoan misguided giving... see my open letter on facebook to hilton hotels in the aftermath of haiti, and my twitter rants to don miller about seeking donations for a feature film to be made. not much gets under my skin faster. I've also got to be careful not to (shop) and give too much, to be able to pay my bills each month!

so in the spirit of the upcoming season of giving, as you're seeking and scavenging online and in stores for the perfect gift, I wanted to compile a short list of some of my favorite organizations and companies that you can give to or buy from - and also get something back.

because isn't that one of the hard things about "making a donation in someone's name" to an organization. you really want to hand something, to give something, to the person you're honoring too. or maybe that's just me.

you too? well, then I hope these ideas help!

the A21 campaign
www.theA21campign.org

I found out about this organization through christine caine, who is a global ambassador for hillsong church, when I heard her speak at newspring church earlier this year. christine is passionate about abolishing sex-trafficking of women and this organization is her platform. they run safe houses and rehabilitation centers in vulnerable areas of the world to protect and give new life to these precious women. the campaign has created a key 2 free necklace that you can get with only a $15 donation to A21. I think it's simple and lovely, and the symbol of the key always makes me think of unlocking the future and freedom possible for these hurting women.

kiva gift cards
www.kiva.org

kiva is a micro-finance loan organization that supports developing world entrepreneurs. small donations of at least $25 per gift are added into a crowdsourced fund to meet the loan request from the entrepreneur. kiva offers gift cards so that you can donate $25 or more, and give the card to someone else, who can then enjoy the gift of giving themselves. the recipient can browse on the kiva web site by country, gender, and type of business. for instance, you could support a bus driver in africa or a cosmetics saleswoman in peru.

31 bits
www.31bits.com

ok full disclosure. I found out about 31 bits by reading tenley molzahn's tweets about them. tenley - anyone with me? she was on the bachelor... anyway, she got me interested in what the heck she was tweeting about (marketing goal accomplished!) so I checked it out. it's a company out of california that sells the beautiful ugandan bead necklaces you have surely seen before. they're doing a nice job of marketing, and have a lovely web site that tells the stories of the women who make the jewelry. I ordered the mallory white bracelet for only $10! pictured below. and it came in a cute little pouch made of colorful african fabric. so, you can give someone the gift of this piece of jewelry and support women artisans in uganda. that's a deal.

TOMS shoes
www.tomsshoes.com

I mean, this listing was inevitable. not only for their famous buy-one-give-one strategy, but also because of my endless love for TOMS. here's the deal. they're trendy, affordable, super comfortable, and when you buy one they give one to a kid who needs shoes. you don't have to convince anyone that's a winner. I even bought some for my mom already. they have some awesome new designs out this season. I love the plain jane classic black and grays. I also LOVE the new map design they partnered with charity:water on. so, not only does a kid get a pair of shoes, but they also donate to charity:water to help build wells in ethiopia. nice. and BONUS - world vision is a TOMS partner for distributing shoes to kids. more on world vision below.

world vision gift catalog
www.worldvision.org

you are very likely familiar with world vision's campaign to sponsor children in need around the world. it's only $35 a month and you should do it. I sponsor luis in colombia. he's 2 and lives in one of my favorite countries in the world. and my donations are going to help him have a better life. he's darn cute too. but I digress. because world vision also has a gift catalog that they do in the spring and at christmas. you can give to all sorts if different programs, like education, agriculture, clean water, and disaster relief. one of the cool things about world vision's gift catalog is that they also have little goodies that you can get back for your donation. like for instance, you can make a a donation and get the lovely thai bracelet below. so, consider making a donation in someone's name, giving them the honor card AND this awesome bracelet. now that's a cool gift.

philanthropy
www.philanthropyfashion.com

this one is for the locals. for my friends who live in and around nashville and franklin, TN - my favorite boutique in downtown franklin is philanthropy. the store is 1. affordable and 2. focuses on fashion that gives back. it's full of candles and t-shirts and bags and necklaces and other goodies that all have a deeper purpose that just their prettiness. their products are often associated with a good cause, which makes it double fun to shop there. check out their web site and their blog, and give them some shopping love if you happen to be perusing downtown franklin with your sweet cece's in hand! you might pick up these brand new bags made from recycled coffee bags, or a franklin flood t-shirt.

wine to water
www.winetowater.org

my friends started wine to water to use the platform of wine tastings to gather people together and educate them about clean water - and then to raise money and clean all the water in the world, basically. I'm super proud of all they've done. there are quite a few giving strategies you can engage in with them, but I want to recommend their delicious wine! wine to water offers a red zinfandel and a chardonnay. I like the red best. and when you buy the wine, proceeds go to clean water. what an awesome gift for the wine lovers on your christmas list (hello, dads!).

bridgewater candles
www.bridgewatercandles.com

I just learned about this candle company. I am obsessed with my house smelling yummy (see previous post on favorite smells for the full story) and I love that this company has engaged in giving back. they have made these beautiful special edition "solitude" candles. you can buy them online for only $20. each one has a child's handprint on the outside of it, and the child's story on the inside that you have helped to feed for one week. one candle equals one week of food. they're simple and lovely, smell amazing, and feed kids. great idea.

the mercy house
www.themercyhousekenya.org

I learned about the mercy house kenya from following sweet, christian blogger kristen welch at www.weareTHATfamily.com. the mercy house is a home that serves as a safe-haven for pregnant girls in the slums of kenya. I love an organization that cares for girls on the vulnerable fringes of society and shows them love and helps makes them whole. they have some lovely things for sale in their etsy shop (search for shop name wearethatfamily) such as unique, colorful, beaded necklaces.

the body shop
www.thebodyshop-usa.com

the body shop, makers of every girl's favorite body butter and fabulous makeup, has partnered with ECPAT and the IOCC to combat and raise awareness for the issues of sex-trafficking and exploitation of children and young people. they are offering "soft hands, kind heart hand cream" in stores and online, with 100% of net profits going to these organizations and the cause. at a price point of $7 and $10 - these would make a great stocking stuffer for a good cause. and they smell good too!

new addition!

amani ya juu

www.amaniafrica.org

how could I forget about amani when making this list? a late addition but a great one. I found out about amani because samaritan's purse partners with them in africa. here is info from their web site about them: Amani ya Juu (meaning “higher peace” in Swahili) or Amahoro ava Hejuru (in Kinyarwanda) is a sewing-marketing-training project for marginalized women in Africa. The main center is located in Nairobi, Kenya with sister centers in Rwanda and Burundi. The women involved in the project are learning to work together through faith in God who provides a higher peace that transcends ethnic differences. these are two of my favorite items on the site right now. check out the bag and bracelet below!

fashionABLE

www.livefashionable.com

just found out about this non-profit on twitter a few weeks ago. they empower women in africa to make lovely scarves to provide them with income and help break the cycle of poverty. the fashionABLE mission is to create sustainable business in africa so that the women are not dependent upon charity, but instead are a vital part of the developing economy. the scarves are named after the women who crafted them. they are offering 3 different designs right now, with more to come soon, very likely. I love the meselu which is handmade in africa of 100% cotton and lovely blue and grey stripes.

I know that these gifts will bring joy to your gift recipient, and also bring joy to the world.

now, that's a gift.

top 10 tuesday | things real adults can do that I need to learn

2010-10-27T14:49:00.000-04:00

one day late. typical!

here are 10 things I think real adults can do that I need to learn how to do better.

1. apply makeup better.

2. cook real food, like, a chicken, or make a soup.

3. use coupons and buy in bulk when things are on sale.

4. dry my hair every morning after the shower. no more buns!

5. clean the floors of my house. at least once a year.

6. charge my cell phone every night so it doesn't die on me. all the time.

7. pray for people other than myself once and a while.

8. take work notes on the computer instead of on paper. cut down on work.

9. make my bed. every day.

10. save more money. yeah.

any tips on accomplishing these things would be happily received and possibly implemented!

word.

2010-10-24T23:08:00.002-04:00

let me mention briefly what great thing relevant did for my heart (among others. but I felt compelled to blog it after my slightly negative post below. ahem.)

the conference encouraged me in my conviction that I haven't been spending enough time in the word.

in fact, I left my bible in a friend's room overnight and found myself scrambling around my room looking for those darn gideon's before I went to sleep. hungry for a word.

where are the gideon's when you finally need them?!

I think me and jesus' words will be spending a lot more quality time together for this season and always.

relevant.

2010-10-24T22:40:00.001-04:00

I just got back from a blogging conference in hershey, pennsylvania called relevant. the point of the conference was for all the christian bloggers (particularly women and moms) to gather together, fellowship in the spirit and learn about how to do their blogs and lives better.

I was representing my company, and so for me, it was a business trip. even though I do blog, I have to view blogging conferences as work because 1. they paid for me to be there 2. its the perfect target audience for our brand and 3. if I didn't put some emotional space between me and those women I would consider myself a complete failure of a person...

{emotional space injected}

don't get me wrong. every single one of them is lovely and amazing. I had more meaningful conversations and met more great women of God at relevant than I have in a long, long time.

but. I am not a wife. I am not a mom. I am not a homeschooler. I am not a blogger - in their sense of the term. I am not like them. its hard to be the different one.

so many of those girls are my age. a little younger and a little older. but their lives are so different than mine. I stand and listen in AWE of how much they are able to accomplish in one single day. in one single HOUR! I can barely get up in time each day to dry my hair for work. and it's just me.

so, in the midst of some slight self-loathing that relevant dug up in me, I decided to think about all the things that I am. the things I like about myself.

rather than dwell on what I am not.

I am a loved daughter and sister.

I am a loved friend.

I am doing a job I love.

I am well traveled.

I am not a cook!

I am addicted to shopping.

I am not a reader but I love a good indie film.

I am really good at speaking spanish to kids.

I am fond of tacos and thunderstorms and good photos and margaritas.

I am looking for a hot christian music playing kind husband.

I am going to adopt someday soon.

I am in love with music that has good lyrics.

I am a good decorator.

I am a beloved daughter of the most high king. that makes me a princess. and he knew me before I was created in the womb. and he set the times and dates for all things. and he works all things for good for those who are called according to his purpose. and he has a plan. and he is good to those who wait patiently for him.

so, I'm liking who I am.

and *bonus* I don't have to worry about re-applying make up before my husband gets home each day.

rain.

2010-10-24T22:13:00.001-04:00

come slip quietly in the door
that I left cracked in hopes you would join soon
and take caution not to slip
in the dark room where my suitcase contents are strewn about
creating a haphazard maze to the foot of the bed
only the small light from that candle
the one that smells like fallen leaves and cinnamon
will guide you
into the warm grey sheets
where I've been resting
erasing memories of the lonely plane
and replacing them with home
lift up the duvet that smells of lavender
and snuggle
wrap your legs around my cotton striped pajama pants
and touch my toes
and let me run one hand through your hair
because you know I like your face close
and let's count the seconds between lightening and thunder
and wonder what sirens dare sound into the perfect night
and volunteer to check if I closed my car windows
and debate if the candle would burn itself out
if we left it burning
when we fell asleep
to the sound of the rain

1000 words.

2010-10-20T23:43:00.000-04:00

ecuador girl

photo credit: paul sherar www.thegoodlight.com